#1 [url]

Jun 4 07 8:49 AM

QUOTE (Harash Mahajan @ June 04, 2007 08:16 am)
QUOTE (Misty @ June 01, 2007 03:56 am)
Yeh barish tumhari yaad dila rahi hain


Yeh kale badal kyun gadgada rahe hain
Mere dil par kyun mandra rahe hain
Bijli ke taar mano dil ko chooye ja rahe hain

Ghargarahat yeh kaisi badh gayi hai
Muje kaunsa sandesh soona rahe hain.
Kyun muje is kadar daara rahe hain

Barsaat bhi kahar dhaa rahi hai
Har aor barish barsa rahi hai
Aaj muje is kadar kyun rula rahi hain

Kal bhi to bijli chamki thi humpar
Khul kar barkha barsi thi sanam
Yeh barish tumhari yaad dila rahe hain

Kal har pal saath tumhara tha
Haat ne haat mera thamma tha
Aaj yeh boonde pass bula rahe hain

Kal ka bhigna yaad hai mujko
Tum mein simat jana yaad hai.
Aaj  vo lamhe  aag sulgaa rahe hain

Aaj hum kale badlon main ghirain hain.
Gila badan liye khud mein simte hain
Aaj bhi thand muje tadap rahe hain

Nira



nira ji aapne apne ahsaasoN ko achhe tareeke se piroya hai....lekin maiN inhe sirf ahsaas bhar hi keh sakta hoN....kaale badloN ke beech apne emotions ko is tarah udte dekhna ek achha kavi hi apni kalpana maiN de sakta hai......maiN aapki is kriti ko...kis vidha maiN daalooN samajh nahi aa raha.....kavita ki paribasha maiN...ise rakhna kahaaN tak uchit hai....kahiN kutchh dekh nahi pa raha hooN
ras ke bhaav se dekheiN toh ye vismai ras ka haqdaar hai.....our kavya ki paribasha ko bhi thheek se pa raha hai...lekin kutchh adhoora pan hai isme....yuiN hi itni sunder sunder rachna ko aapne anjaam diya..our bech maiN is tarah ka apni hi kavita maiN adhoorapan akhar sa raha hai.....

is kriti ko kavita ka poora roop deiN....is ke har chhund ko poora kareiN....kavita ki rhyming agar de rahe haiN...toh swachhund nahi ho sakti...


Har pehra maiN teesri line miss hai.....5th and sixth pehra ....vimukh sa hai..is kavita ka ahsaasoN se toh part lag raha hai....lekin....shabdoN se nahiN....rhyming apna isthhaan badal chuki hai wahaaN.....just check it agaiN.....

Example ke liye aapka pehla pehra is tarah se apna wazood pa saktahai.....

Yeh kale badal kyun gadgada rahe hain
Mere dil par kyun mandra rahe hain

Dard ho raha hai is tarah mano
Bijli ke taar dil ko chooye ja rahe hain

5th our sixth para maiN aapne kavita ke maiN rhyming add kerke wahaan rhyming tod dihai.....haiN ka radeef sabhi lines ka change ker diyahai....jab sabhi para haiN ki lines per khatam haiN...toh teesre misre ko chhorh ker sabhi maiN rhyming ka hona anivaarya hai.....

Nira ji maiN apne is review se bahoot parhage kerta hooN...lein ek achhi our steek likhne wala is tarah ki galati kare ...dekh nahi paya...so review dene chala aya....nira ji agar kahin bhi aapko aisa lage ki aapkois review se theek nahi laga..toh yakeenan aap md haiN is delete ker sakti haiN...

aapka apna


Harash

harash ji.

aapke samajhne ka bahut bahut shukriya. aapne jo galtiya samne layin hain, unhe samajne ki koshisk karoongi aor sahi karne hi koshish bhi karoongi.

aap jante haain aapke shabd mere liye bahut manniye hain. always be here to guide me and help me in making then more better. thanks once again.

nira